Avoidance Does Not Preclude Catastrophe

There’s a phenomenon that happens in almost every aspect of life, but especially in parenting. Simply put it is this: the belief that if we avoid talking about something, thinking about it, or acknowledging that it could happen, then somehow, we are protected from it happening to us.

Avoidance is not as protective as we tend to believe. We frequently steer clear of difficult subjects because we want to deny the possibility of them happening us. We want to handle them correctly, but they seem overwhelming, so we avoid them.

Here's the thing, friends:

We can’t know everything.

We can’t prepare for everything.

We can’t protect against every possible outcome.

What we can do gain essential safety knowledge and establish routines with integrated support systems to decrease the chances of tragic events.

*Content warning. As you read further, please prioritize your well-being. This article discusses issues related to harm experienced by children, which may be upsetting.

Topics that I notice people tend to avoid include car seat safety, pool and water safety, and sleep safety, among many others.

One example I want to briefly mention is that of Shaken Baby Syndrome.

It happens more often than people think. Data suggests it is the leading cause of death from child abuse. Part of the reason it happens more often than people think is because many people are deeply uncomfortable acknowledging that it happens at all. There’s a tendency to say, “I would never do that,” and then stop the conversation there, as if rejecting the possibility is the same thing as protecting against it. And here's the thing, as with almost every other topic, education is a vital component of prevention. (1)

Babies are new here. They just came from a very warm, very cozy world where they had no pain, knew no hunger, and then -boom- they are thrust into a big, cold world where there are all sorts of sounds and sights and smells and feelings! Oh, the feelings. And they have no control over any of it. It takes a while for their brains to process which of these sensations are important and which they can dismiss. (You can read more about brain development here.)

Babies cry. They are 'wired' cry. It's how they communicate, and we are wired to respond. However, in the modern world we have myriad things pulling us in as many directions and a baby's cry is known to "command our attention" and it "rattles our executive functions." (2) We can plan ahead, knowing this is the case - even if baby is already born, because babyhood isnt the only time we may find outsilves at our wits-end. In another post (linked here when it is completed) I will explore ways to set yourself up to create, build, and foster a supportive social structure.

Here's why I'm writing about this today though: Education might have saved a precious baby girl that I knew.

I had a friend whose baby became a victim of this heartbreaking situation, and the memory of her tiny, lifeless body lying so peacefully in her casket, belying the life she knew, continues to haunt me to this day. I watched that precious baby being born, live a short life, and then tragically pass away. The circumstances surrounding her loss were profoundly sad and left a mark on the hearts of everyone who knew her. I can vividly recall the day when everything happened, and the days following. It felt as if the air had been sucked out of the room a dozen times over. There was distress, denial, pain, and confusion.

As I reflect on that time, I remember how we all rallied around mom trying to provide comfort and support in the face of such unimaginable grief. The sound of my friends sobbing, the sound of the silence in the hospital wait room, and the sound of the doctor telling us what the reality was is etched in my mind forever. We were all so young and it was nearly impossible to witness someone I cared for so deeply endure such a profound tragedy.

So why am I sharing about this now? Because I know someone, even one person will lay eyes on this and take something away that will help - somehow.

Look, parenting is full of moments that overwhelm otherwise normal people.

We already understand this concept in other areas like:

• People accidentally leave babies in cars.

• Children drown in pools during moments of distraction.

• Exhausted parents fall asleep in unsafe situations.

  
  

Most of those parents also believed, with complete sincerity, that it would never happen to them.

The point of talking about these things is not to shame parents, imply they are not competent, or assume the worst about them. It’s the opposite.

Let's acknowledge reality honestly enough that people can recognize dangerous moments before they escalate.

The truth is, a person is safer when they can say: “I am overwhelmed. I need to put the baby down and walk away for a minute.” or “I need support.” or “This is harder than I thought.”

Pretending human limits don’t exist doesn’t eliminate them, it just makes people more isolated when they finally reach them.

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*If you're struggling, please reach out for help.

Shaken Baby Syndrome Resources

Postpartum International can support moms, dads, parents, and caregivers:

Call the PSI HelpLine:

1-800-944-4773

#1 En Español or #2 English

Text “Help” to 800-944-4773 (EN)Text en Español: 971-203-7773

If you are in crisis please reach out.

• Text HOME to 741741 from anywhere in the USA, anytime, about any type of crisis.

• I am in crisis and need help (link)
  

  
  

Video from UC Davis on normal infant crying

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References:

(1) Barr, R. G., Barr, M., Fujiwara, T., Conway, J., Catherine, N., & Brant, R. (2009). Do educational materials change knowledge and behaviour about crying and shaken baby syndrome? A randomized controlled trial. CMAJ : Canadian Medical Association journal = journal de l'Association medicale canadienne, 180(7), 727–733. https://doi.org/10.1503/cmaj.081419

(2) Campbell, D. (2017, July 27). What happens to your brain when a baby cries? University of Toronto. https://www.utoronto.ca/news/what-happens-your-brain-when-baby-cries